The Phrases from My Dad Which Saved Me during my time as a New Dad

"I believe I was just in survival mode for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

However the actual experience soon proved to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her chief support while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The direct phrases "You are not in a good spot. You need support. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now better used to talking about the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the struggles new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who still internalise harmful ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - spending a short trip overseas, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of you is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, changed how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I feel like my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."